Post by ukraineofcourse on Aug 25, 2023 12:24:52 GMT 1
I checked this thread when the most recent post was created and saw a lot of people being open about their mental health and even though they said that 3/4 years ago, long before I even joined this forum but I thought to myself 'you know what, this would be a good way to just alleviate anything happening in my life.' So I would like to talk about my experiences. I should preface this with there may be mention of alcohol abuse, suicidal thoughts and homophobia and that I have only been diagnosed with GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) in past but had successfully minimised that by the time this happened.
To set the scene I guess, it was the beginning of 2022. I had an amazing friend group, an amazing family, fantabulous grades, what was at the time the perfect life to anyone viewing from the outside in. However on the inside things were brewing. By then I had been denying I was Gay for roughly 2-3 years and was still a very homophobic, conservative-based person. I attended (and continue to attend) a Catholic school and I myself was a devout Catholic. I didn't know what Gay meant all I knew is that it was the work of the devil and everyone who was Gay was immediately going to hell. The SSM referendum in Australia in 2017 was an event that my parents Made sure to ingrain into my mind as one of the worst in history and LGBT+ people who were common on TV were called very mean slurs that I will not mention by my parents. The only interaction I had with LGBT+ culture, the only relief you could say was the Eurovision/Drag Race community who began helping me understand who I was and who I sought to be like. In fact as such a young person seeing other Gay people made me happy but I was still denying it at the time. I just considered myself a straight person who secretly allies or at times Bisexual (I wouldn't tell anyone but I would contemplate being Bisexual and just marrying a woman, obviously I do not retain these beliefs and understand the implications that effect Bisexual people by that mentality.) Other than on Drag Race the other relief came from this very community and I want to extend my greatest gratitude to all of you.
But then my personal world came crushing down. The perfect friend group split into two sides and I lost many friends whom I had been besties with for upwards of 10 years at the time. The side I picked was quite frankly the wrong choice, all homophobes, all extreme Catholic, all downright horrible people (we are talking like idolising H*tler horrible). My grades were slipping and my Dad went on a downward spiral with his mental health. This affected my whole family. He would constantly fight with my Mum, with me. It was just generally the worst period of my life so far. This all came to a head when on the 19th of May he caught me watching drag race. My Dad is a Homophobic, Catholic, Biggot who values his faith over his own children so when he caught me I was immediately in very hot water. He couldn't stand the possibility of his son being gay and because I was denying at the time, I told him I wasn't and he convinced himself to believe that I wasn't gay. We haven't touched the topic since and I am not going to come out to him any time at all. At the first opportunity possible he is dead to me. This was furthered two days later on the day of the national election. It is ingrained in my mind. He was pissed because the left party were gonna win and my Mum came home and told him (as a joke) she voted for the Greens and the Animal Rights Party (Considered Far-Left in Australian Politics) HE LOST IT. He immediately left the house and went missing for roughly two hours. eventually me and my mother decide to go to a property we owned in the same suburb (We were in the process of moving there) We found him with an empty bottle of very potent alcohol, cigarettes and barely consciously laying on the front porch of the house. I vividly remember calling the ambulance to which he told me to hang up. He gets up and claims he was just sleeping and starts to walk home. He didn't acknowledge anything and admitted nothing. To him he had done nothing wrong.
That event just broke me inside in a way that still gives me jitters to this day. I didn't want to eat, or drink. I felt helpless and pessimistic. I had absolutely no enthusiasm. and I began to contemplate suicide and self harm. I didn't want to seek help because I thought that everyone is going through so much worse than me and that if I sought help I would be more effeminate. (I no longer think that).
I have gotten a lot better since then, as anyone still reading this (probably no one lmao) may know I began to come out to friends earlier this year and have found better ways to deal with homophobia that comes from being at a Catholic school. But this still weighs on me so I thought id tell you to make me feel better. That's how I felt better after coming out.
To anyone still reading thank you for listening and to the Song Contest Forums thank you for supporting me through all of this it means the world to me.
To set the scene I guess, it was the beginning of 2022. I had an amazing friend group, an amazing family, fantabulous grades, what was at the time the perfect life to anyone viewing from the outside in. However on the inside things were brewing. By then I had been denying I was Gay for roughly 2-3 years and was still a very homophobic, conservative-based person. I attended (and continue to attend) a Catholic school and I myself was a devout Catholic. I didn't know what Gay meant all I knew is that it was the work of the devil and everyone who was Gay was immediately going to hell. The SSM referendum in Australia in 2017 was an event that my parents Made sure to ingrain into my mind as one of the worst in history and LGBT+ people who were common on TV were called very mean slurs that I will not mention by my parents. The only interaction I had with LGBT+ culture, the only relief you could say was the Eurovision/Drag Race community who began helping me understand who I was and who I sought to be like. In fact as such a young person seeing other Gay people made me happy but I was still denying it at the time. I just considered myself a straight person who secretly allies or at times Bisexual (I wouldn't tell anyone but I would contemplate being Bisexual and just marrying a woman, obviously I do not retain these beliefs and understand the implications that effect Bisexual people by that mentality.) Other than on Drag Race the other relief came from this very community and I want to extend my greatest gratitude to all of you.
But then my personal world came crushing down. The perfect friend group split into two sides and I lost many friends whom I had been besties with for upwards of 10 years at the time. The side I picked was quite frankly the wrong choice, all homophobes, all extreme Catholic, all downright horrible people (we are talking like idolising H*tler horrible). My grades were slipping and my Dad went on a downward spiral with his mental health. This affected my whole family. He would constantly fight with my Mum, with me. It was just generally the worst period of my life so far. This all came to a head when on the 19th of May he caught me watching drag race. My Dad is a Homophobic, Catholic, Biggot who values his faith over his own children so when he caught me I was immediately in very hot water. He couldn't stand the possibility of his son being gay and because I was denying at the time, I told him I wasn't and he convinced himself to believe that I wasn't gay. We haven't touched the topic since and I am not going to come out to him any time at all. At the first opportunity possible he is dead to me. This was furthered two days later on the day of the national election. It is ingrained in my mind. He was pissed because the left party were gonna win and my Mum came home and told him (as a joke) she voted for the Greens and the Animal Rights Party (Considered Far-Left in Australian Politics) HE LOST IT. He immediately left the house and went missing for roughly two hours. eventually me and my mother decide to go to a property we owned in the same suburb (We were in the process of moving there) We found him with an empty bottle of very potent alcohol, cigarettes and barely consciously laying on the front porch of the house. I vividly remember calling the ambulance to which he told me to hang up. He gets up and claims he was just sleeping and starts to walk home. He didn't acknowledge anything and admitted nothing. To him he had done nothing wrong.
That event just broke me inside in a way that still gives me jitters to this day. I didn't want to eat, or drink. I felt helpless and pessimistic. I had absolutely no enthusiasm. and I began to contemplate suicide and self harm. I didn't want to seek help because I thought that everyone is going through so much worse than me and that if I sought help I would be more effeminate. (I no longer think that).
I have gotten a lot better since then, as anyone still reading this (probably no one lmao) may know I began to come out to friends earlier this year and have found better ways to deal with homophobia that comes from being at a Catholic school. But this still weighs on me so I thought id tell you to make me feel better. That's how I felt better after coming out.
To anyone still reading thank you for listening and to the Song Contest Forums thank you for supporting me through all of this it means the world to me.
