Well, almost 2 years since someone posted something here.
Guess I just came late to the party
Probably I'll regret writing all this but I feel like at least some of you might understand me, maybe even better than some people in my real life.
So well here it goes.
Till 4 weeks ago I had a girlfriend and I was feeling quite happy, it clicked and everything went very well.
Well untill I went to bed a lot of nights or I stood in the shower and my toughts started to play up.
Since I was like 12 year old I started to understand that I was not like every other kid around me.
You start to watch a movie, a tv show, ... and u start to add up that not like every other boy you are crazy about the hot girls in the movie/tv show. It started to occur to me that it was not only about the hot girls but I felt a kind of way to the men as well. Wondering why, and as a young kid discovering the whole world, this was very hard to me. Believe me, I knew I felt attraced to both but it was very confusing.
Growing up older, having a hard youth at times since I was a little kid (even before 12), things started to become even more confusing as you watch things kids watch on that age.
I had some girlfriends trough the years and it was just very hard for me always having to wonder what it would be like to try something on the other side.
Don't get me wrong, I always felt happy in the relationships and there were no problems on a sexual side whatsoever.
But the wondering just kept me going.
Well untill 4 weeks ago, I finally had the courage after 12-13 years to tell my girlfriend at the time how I felt and how this has always been there.
I've never felt so good, yet so bad at the same time.
Yes it felt good to finally say out loud that i hasitated my sexuality, but no it felt so bad hurting someone I really liked so much.
I feel like it would be much easier knowing if u were fully for one side or the other but I guess I just don't know.
Also I didn't feel too bad losing her since I now know I probably never opened up 100% because of all this.
I've had so many things happen to me mentally as a kid, I wish it was only this I struggled with.
I finally had the courage, after saying it a lot of times when I was drunk, to reach out for professional help.
Even though it has only been 1 session so far, and more to come, it feels so good talking to someone who'll never judge you for who you are.
Well, altough I might regret writing all this, it also fealt really good to put all of this in words.
Hoping that I won't get judged for all of this, but I guess this feels like a safe place for me since I joined like 5 years ago.
Conclusion to all of this, I still don't know if I'm bisexual or whatever.
Guess I'll find out trough time, the first thing for me now is focussing on me, myself and I and then I'll see what the next chapter brings.
Guess I just feel a need for a helping hand, someone to understand me